I'm almost done with my fourth year of teaching and have really come to a point of reflection.  I have no doubt that I am called to be a middle school math teacher in a public school and I absolutely LOVE my job and my kids.  I know I am where I'm supposed to be, but something has me questioning if I've done what I'm supposed to do.  Have I really made a difference at all?

    I've been blessed to be viewed positively with colleagues and bosses and I firmly believe God is in that at all times and constantly blesses me in that way, but my bosses/colleagues aren't what I'm there for.  I know I'm called to share the love God has shown to me to teens so that they may be able to spend eternity in heaven as well and to experience the peace and comfort that living a life with Christ is!   I've been SO blessed with knowing when I die, because of Jesus, I'm allowed to spend Eternity with God in heaven!!  There are so many kids that NEED to know that news.  To understand that they are loved.  To get to see themselves from a new perspective- that it's not what their friends or parents think, but it's about seeing who they truly are/their identity in Christ.  That if they choose, they may be called a son/daughter of God and feel his constant love and protection regardless of what life brings.  But you see... I'm not really allowed to say those words exactly.  I've never felt God calling me to say those words in school either.  So my witness/testimony with kids has been just trying to live life as an example and maybe hint to things here or there.  

    This morning on my way to work, I was thinking through the above things and how I know that unless God calls me to say those things, I am to follow the law and just live my life as an example.  Part of me is frustrated thinking, I've been in schools full-time for four years- but have I really made a difference?  Is my attempt to reflect Christ in what I do and what I say enough?  I remembered the verse about planting seeds and how it's some people's jobs to plant the seeds, others to water it, and still others to harvest (experiencing people making the decision to live for God and accept Christ in their hearts).  So my first thought was, well, maybe my job is just the planter.  But part of me refuses to accept that that is my only position.  I know every piece of the puzzle is important, but I feel like it's my cop-out.  It's my way of trying to make myself feel like I'm doing enough and stay in my comfort zone.

    But if what I am doing isn't enough... what do I need to be doing?  I'm not going to outrightly preach in class as I know that would quickly mean a loss of a job- especially in the very politically correct school I work in.  So here's the question to you Christian teachers out there in a public school... what are you doing to make a difference?  

Don't judge me before you let me explain what I mean by that title...

First, background info. My body needs -at the very least- 8 hours of sleep to function. I've always required more sleep than most and I usually adjust to that need by going to bed earlier. Well, part of that changed when I married a "night person." I find I get less and less sleep as I want to stay up to spend time with my husband before I conk out and am a worthless lump for the rest of the night. Many times, my body gives out on me while I'm desperately trying to stay up past 10:00 to spend time with Tyler. Needless to say, the sleep/energy department has been lacking lately.

The other night, we had a lot going on and didn't get home until late. I got to bed as quick as I could, but was horrified to remember that I had to be up extremely early the next morning. We're talking 5 1/2 hours of sleep. When I say I need 8 hours of sleep at the least to function, I mean it. Below 6, I don't think straight. I'm "fuzzy" all day and have awful headaches. Well, as I set my alarm, I sent up a quick cry for help for God to help me wake up and not be too late the next morning.

When you think about the situation rationally, I should have to hit snooze multiple times before I can exert enough energy to stand up. Rationally, I should have an enormous headache all day. Rationally, I should be exhausted and struggle to think clearly all day.

But we have an Irrational God. We assume a + b = c. no sleep + early commitments = exhaustion. But God doesn't go by formulas. What we claim is rational is only rational in this world. We take patterns we see and assume it won't shift; but God doesn't live by patterns. His realm isn't rational.

An Irrational God... not only did I wake up feeling great the next day, but God woke me up an HOUR early feeling wide-awake. That "I can't sleep another wink if I tried" Saturday morning feeling. Was it light out? Certainly not. Did any alarm go off? Nope. What woke me up? I think it was God strutting his stuff- reminding me that He operates in a different realm. A different thought process.

I felt extremely loved. You see, this is such a dumb little thing. Would I have survived on that exhausted feeling I was expecting the next day? Certainly. But God decided to look at my little life, my weak body yearning for rest, and show me how the little things aren't forgotten. He equipped me with amazing energy and an even more astounding positive attitude despite the lack of sleep! (anyone who knows me well will know that crabby is an understatement if I don't get enough sleep)

In fact, for the next week, I've continued to wake up before my alarm fully rested. Thank you, Jesus for reminding me that you're not only about the big struggles in life, but that you truly do care for your children!

I go through phases of blogging so there may be a phase of many entries, and then phases of none. I'm trying to step it up a bit :)